Painting the town red - what I DIDN'T do last night!!!

I suffered the worst humiliation last night! Not only did i get turned away at the door by the not so lovely people at loop bar, i received the same treatment from those at a couple of other places! It was so embarrassing. I had no ID because I don't own any other than my NUS card, which I have been using since I was 18 to get drunk, and batting my eyelashes and switching to indignant mode did not get me anywhere. I ended up having to go home - the fucking shame of it. I am 21 years old!!! I was pretty upset on the way home so called James. He didn't answer because like any other sane person at that time of night, he was sleeping. So I did the sensible thing and bombarded him with text messages instead, to which he replied this morning with "As if I needed any more evidence that you need anger management classes".

Fucking Life

My mobile's been cut off!!!!!! Waaaaaaaaah! I can't text James. I can't email him over the weekend as he only has the internet at work. I miss him so much and I can feel myself getting all miserable about it. Oh Lord I wonder if he feels the same way about me. Does he miss me too?? He's already said he will pay half my phone bill, which was really sweet of him but I haven't said yes as conversations about money make me uncomfortable. I don't remember feeling this way about anyone before (actually, I can remember several people I've blogged about alone but I'm choosing to forget).

Okay, in an effort to prove that my life is not one-dimensional, I won't talk about James again for the rest of this post.

I found out yesterday that one of my good mate's parents are separating because of adultery. Jan is 26 and her parents have been together for 30-odd years. My parents separated when I was 7 (one day i'll tell you about that interesting tale). I don't really remember my Dad even though I really should. I think I have this self-preservation mechanism that blocks out all my memories before I was 8 to stop me from hurting. Whatever the reason, I don't think I was too affected by my parents divorce, whereas Jan will be devastated given her age. It's so sad, particularly as she's just had a bad break-up after her boyfriend pulled another girl at a party when she went to the loos. God knows what she must think of men now.

Life Post Law School ...

... is so fucking boring.

Cyprus was amazing but mosquito bites and 38 degree heat are just not funny. I got back at 4.30am on Monday morning thanks to my flight being delayed and had to be up at 7.30am for work. On my first day back I got told that while I had been promised I could now paralegal full-time, that may no longer be the case given the state of the economy :(.

Aside from figuring out how to may my £350 phone bill by Monday (calls from Cyprus to Kenya are EXPENSIVE) I don't quite know what to do with my life. It's like, I was so focused on my exams and had this strict regime where every single second of my day was accounted for and now all I have to do is work (or not, depending on what the firm decides re my employment status). I don't really feel like going out and clubbing all the time, I don't really feel like talking to anyone to be honest. I just can't be arsed. Since I've been back I've been in bed by 8.30am. I don't know what the fuck is up with me.

As for James, I miss him so much it hurts. Really. The next 4.5 weeks are going to be hell. The more he's away the more I want to tell him I love him (because I do!) but I just can't seem to be able to say it. It's quite scary really, we'll be having a conversation and it almost slips out and then I feel quite horrified. I'm obviously scared of rejection but I'm not quite sure I'm ready to put myself out there again (and I'm worried about scaring him off). I miss him sooooo much!! He gets back on July 20th and he's suggested that we go for a weekend break away together, now I just have to figure out how I can radically transform my broke-ass status.

I'm still examming it!

Ah, how I've missed blogger! Here's a quick update until i'm free -

Law school - I got the highest exam marks in my class so far! All I need is two exam grades at 60% and one more 70% to finish with a high distinction. I'm of course working harder than that anyway. My last exam is on the 10th June, then i'm free!!!!

Job - Remember that law firm I work at part-time as a legal secretary? They promoted me to paralegal. Remember how I was so worried about getting a training contract (i.e. a job as a solicitor)? I got one!!!! It was my first application and first interview, I'm so proud because I went to the assessment day with 30 other candidates and I was the only that got an offer! I'm so excited, they reimburse my tuition fees (phew!) and they are in the top 25 in the country. I start Sept 2009 so i'll finish exams, work as a paralegal until June 2009 and then travel for 4 months, i'm thinking southern africa.

James - My lover is still lovely. A bit stressed about exams too but he's been amazing, he helped me with the application form that got me an interview. Only thing is on friday 13th he flies out to Kenya for 5 weeks doing something for a law firm there :(

Holiday - Who knew holidays could be stressful? I was supposed to be going to Morocco with my friends a few days after the exams, then i remembered that one of them was a bitch to me when we went to Portugal, so now i'm looking into going to Cyprus with my mum, but I reckon she'll get bored with just me ...

I'll be back up and running properly when i get back from holiday, so that's end of June, wait for me please!!

p.s. I do still loiter on all your blogs, a bit creepy i know ...

Lack of Concentration and Hair Removal Cream Do Not Mix

I haven't stayed the night at James' for about 2 weeks so I was quite looking forward to tonight. Cue: sexy undies, full body exfoliation and, of course, hair removal cream. As I sat on the loo this morning applying the cream to my bikini line, I thought "hmmm, lets try going a bit lower", and so my cream-laden spatula ventured further south, and further and further. I was actually quite pleased with my manual dexterity and the gymnastic style moves I had to pull to get that baby aaaall the way down there! Feeling a bit smug, it didn't occur to me that maybe I shouldn't leave the cream on for as long as I usually do, given that "down there" is, presumably, more sensitive. Needless to say, I'm once again walking like John Wayne (but this time for a completely unsexy reason) and sporting a reddish "i'm a bit burned" colour downstairs. I definitely won't be getting any tonight.

The World Is Against Me

A bit dramatic, I know, but it really does feel that way. James came to stay at my house and meet my family on Thursday and left on Saturday morning. This was a big deal as even my ex never met my mum after 4 years. My mum made an amazing meal for dinner, which James loved (he had 3 helpings!). He bantered with my younger brother and was very polite and comfortable when talking to my mum. My mum loved him and even made him promise to come back to try more of her dishes. I was on edge the whole time waiting for some kind of disaster to strike but it didn't. It couldn't have been a more perfect introduction to my family. On the Friday night, James and I went to Beauberry House for a late Valentine's dinner, which was amazing. Just to add to the "James is so lovely" theme, I should point out that prior to going to dinner we had spent the whole day completing application forms to get me a job with a swanky law firm. Considering that each application usually takes me about a week to do, the fact that we managed 8 in a day and half was brilliant.

Because everything was going perfectly on the James/family/job applications front, to keep the world in balance, everything had to go pear-shaped on the friend's front. All of a sudden some of my friends are unhappy with me because "I prefer to spend my time with James" and I'm becoming "one of those girls who abandons her friends for boys". These comments are a result of my having declined invitations to dinners, coffees and nights out over the last couple of weeks, and particularly, this weekend when James came to stay. My overly sensitive friends seem to have forgotten that:

1) I have worked 9 to 5.30 everyday for the last week. Were this any other job it would've been okay, but as this is the law firm I hope will give me a job and pay me tons of money, this was another week-long interview during which I had to be the perfect candidate. Given that straight after work I had to do another 5-6 hours of catch up studying, there was no time for coffees etc!

2) While I may have managed to see James during this time, "seeing" him involved my carting all my textbooks to his and studying there - not going out drinking and dancing. Had my friends been happy with such an arrangement, I would happily have gone over to theirs to study!

3) I couldn't cancel or shorten my dinner with James and meet them afterwards because it has been postponed since Valentine's Day as we've both been really busy and it was a reward for having worked so hard on the job search front.

Seriously, these sort of problems make me think that you can never have it all. You can never have a lovely relationship AND simultaneously have friends who don't feel neglected.

Anyway, to top off my "The World is Against Me" rant, last night I switched on my laptop to do a few more application forms and my "Ella's Documents" file has disappeared. Given that "Ella's Documents" contains everything university, law school and careers related I have ever saved (including all the application forms James and I did), a big part of my life has, without explanation, disappeared. No, it wasn't backed up. Yes, I did try a system recovery using recovery points from a few days ago and last week but it hasn't turned up. At the suggestion of James' dad (who works for a major computer company) I even did a check disk and no funny errors turned up. I'm at a loss. Aside from reaching for the diazepam, I haven't a clue what to do.

Post: To add to my tale of woe, I have just managed to super glue my fingers together. Happy Easter to you too God.

Fuck this

Yesterday was my last day at the law firm. After work we all went to a bar to celebrate one of the partners having a baby last week. Out came the champagne. I was supposed to stay for 1 or 2. I was still trying to leave at 3 or 4 but by the time I got to 5 or 6 I realised that I actually had to stay and sober up because there was no way I could thank the firm for having me and walk out the bar without a) falling over or b) throwing up. To say I was hammered is to say the world spins on its axis. After an hour of surreptiously dodging more champagne and drinking water I managed to get up and make a graceful exit. I then made my way to my friends birthday party where champagne met vodka red bull. By 1am we were all starving (they were hammered I was practically comatose) so we walked to Soho and had £120 worth of chinese food (between 4 people that's a helluva lot of food!).

Now you have the background information you can imagine my horror when my mum woke me up at noon to tell me that I (alone) had to make a roast for 10 people (my sister and her family are visiting), ready to be served at 5pm whilst simulateneously looking after a 2 year old hyperfuckingactive toddler and 2 nieces. In my head I responded to this request with words relating to sex and travel and told the woman where to go. In reality, lets just say the chicken is now in the oven and I have been peeling potatoes for a fucking age with a head that feels like its holidaying in hell. Joy.